Ive been to very big conferences in cities that cant really handle them, and its obnoxious to have to wait in line for 30 minutes to get coffee or make a hotel room reservation months and months in advance. Just to give you an idea, my husband, my 10 week old, and I went to New Jersey this past weekend to see some of my husband's family. Can everyone please stop armchair diagnosing? Since its also a town that does very well at marketing itself as a destination for conferences (their facilities and amenities are really good, and I imagine their pricing is great because of demand is high enough to keep them low) then it makes sense that your work is choosing it as a place to send the managers since it sounds like an out of town conference is generally a thing they need to do. Are we sure that survey actually happened? Learn more about, Twins & Multiples: Your Tentative Time Table. See some shows, enjoy some good food, go on a nice hike. I cannot stress how much this letter pisses me off. Its been 12 years for me. Everyone else said she deserved it! If you do this, he will *hate* it; I did, and so did my Mother, when I started doing this. Or is it just that hes an anxious person in general? rarely cede ground. And, this IS an us issue: his insecurities are damaging the relationship. There are some cultures where marriage is really about the blending of two families. When I first moved to the city, my mom told me to never, ever go anywhere after dark. Sometimes its easier to understand from the outside by hearing other stories about how irrational thoughts can impact our lives. My husband still asks sometimes if hes allowed to go do things, like go to the pub with his friends without me, and it irks me because even though I know hes joking I dont like that he even pretends that I am a stereotypical ball and chain. Some couples like a lot of separate space between them, others dont. They plan conferences there because its generally inexpensive, tons of rooms and restaurants, and its extremely easy to get aroundno real need for ground transportation besides getting to and from the airport. This giant conference centers attached to hotels are a dime a dozen in Vegas, tons of flights from everywhere around the country go to Vegas and there are always deals on those flights, it just honestly makes sense to plan conferences and business trips to Vegas, especially if theyre for very large events. The whole city is like a giant theme park for adults. So, later this year I am going on a two-week hiking trip with a couple of friends one of whom is a man, even! Youre the breadwinner? However, as hes not likely to acknowledge his issues without some therapy, couples counseling is probably a sensible place to ask him to start. It really sounds like your husband is trying to control you. Bonus was that the skills I learned translate to my professional and personal life *every day*. I actually disagree. I trust my wife but I dont trust a lot of strange people. I dont know if this is a sexist response from jealousy?. Im talking a hotel on Wall Street, just a block or two from the NYSE, and one literally around the corner from the White House. Each year my entire family goes to the beach at the end gets a beach house where we stay for a week. I use the word unstable because Im not diagnosing him with anything, but referring to what he is doing. There are a lot of people on vacation. Obviously you were in horrific fiery car crash. I live in a small country area where most woman are not in my position & usually give in to husbands demands whether or not it is ethical.Counsling is usually never seeked out. The next step absolutely should be counseling, but I dont know that its fair for us to fault the OP for not making it the first step, you know? My husband doesn't want to go because of the 14 hour car ride. This is the exact opposite of what youre suggesting, Ramona. Not going on this trip will not save your marriage; I suspect this happens in other situations too or will in the future. (FWIW Im married and work FT and during tax season Ive come home at 10-12 PM. Also have casinos on boats. He thinks it's going to be too difficult. The thing is, by continuing to comply with his increasingly erratic demands for check-ins, he came to expect them anytime he wanted them so if I went to a movie with friends and didnt tell him, Id come out to literally 30 texts wanting to know where I was. Wilberforce agrees with meeee!. Most of the shows arent appealing, either, and theyre almost all too expensive. Worrying about cheating, sex, drugs, and rock n roll, is worrying about what I will do. We always have a good laugh when one of my husbands coworkers asks him, You actually let your wife go away without you? Yet he says he would not even go without me. I went to Vegas for several scientific conferences back in the day, and I thought it was a weird idea until the first time I actually went. Note that once you confirm, this action cannot be undone. I hope some of it is helpful to you in some way. I wonder if one solution wouldnt just be to bring her husband WITH her (on her own expense and probably paying for their own room)? When I was in Vegas I called my husband 3 maybe 4 times a day during my breaks because I was so depressed and talking to him made me feel better. Im sorry I love my wife and Ive been to Vegas myself and my wife hasnt traveled that much. My wife has said that the best way to think about it is that theres a problem with how I view things. Sometimes there is no choice due to your family circumstances or mutual agreement, but this is not one of them. That may be an overreaction, but something clearly isnt working between you two, and he sounds emotionally abusive. Get that man into counseling, pronto. As Captain Awkward would put it: you have a husband problem, not a job problem. Its simple to plan a conference because food, rooms, space are all within one building. Many people we know (work, friends, sometimes family) just cant wrap their head around the fact that we dont need to be joined at the hip 24/7 and that were not jealous. Like, do you think he really did take an opinion poll? I have anxiety disorder and I do worry excessively (one time to the point of a panic attack) when my husband travels for work, but thats on me to manage. A year? Honestly, it feels awful. Bringing your spouse along on a work trip only works some of the time, and it definitely doesnt work if the spouse has already exhibited controlling behavior. Certainly do not risk your career by bailing on this completely reasonable work trip. We are both off work for the summer so we can easily split up the car ride and stop and get a hotel for. There are times when I feel safer in Vegas than I do my own city. AND that a little drinking and dancing and playing roulette (pick your game), or even a LOT of drinking and dancing and playing roulette, which is what many people do is Las Vegas, is not a particularly scandalous thing to many people. You cannot have a rational discussion with someone who is in an irrational state. And its going to be a problem in your relationship whether you go on the trip or not. Your husband has insane insecurity issues. Its either anxiety or abuse, or both, or neither; and none of those things address the husbands *behaviour* or the OPs next steps. You could likely even say to a bystander, hey something is weird here, and they would help you. This is a pretty classic controlling partner move. I hope youll get the chance to play some poker while youre there. [He loves playing poker but seldom gets to play, as Im not a fan of the game.]. July 1, 2022 Posted by clients prepaid financial services derbyshire; 01 . I mean, she could get kidnapped! He stresses less when I go somewhere urban. And if you go to Roppongi or Kabuki-cho and get wasted at a sketchy bar, then yeah, turns out you have greatly increased the odds that someone will steal your wallet. P.S., you forgot to shill The Gift of Fear.. Plus, if youre on the strip, you dont ever really have go on the streets. You can pretty much get from one end of the strip to the other cutting through casinos and over skywalks. I do think raising, where you live, and a worldly perception of Vegas play in. We would stop when we needed gas or a bathroom break but usually wouldn't be stopped for more than 15 min or so. The no Go Fish rule was not present in my home, but I was told to respect the kidss parents whod made that rule and abide by it around those kids, because the rule seemed a reasonable difference between my parents and theirs (rather than wholly bizarre). In either case, I should have ended it. The most important part of travelling alone is that your lover is on the same page as you. I probably filled up that Jacuzzi tub in the bathroom with $100 worth of water during my stay. Iasked ifI could come. Setting up for a convention and working it and then the take down. In these instance either hes cheating, Im cheating (not happening), or one of us is crazy. Or the wife, for that matter. He mad at my company and questions the motives. Vegas does business trips right. I just love when you have the oh you too? moment with strangers on the internet. http://www.thestranger.com/slog/2017/08/09/25333362/savage-love-letter-of-the-day-her-new-boyfriend-canceled-plans-to-see-a-friend-with-cancer. Other than me being bored out of my skull, nothing happened! Remember, what happens in Vegas stays on YouTube forever. < accurate. Marriage counseling is the only way you save this. And he, I think, talked that out with a therapist eventually. I think that theres value in saying, this could be going on, and it might be something to watch out for, but definitive statements that range far, far beyond whats in the letter are really problematic, both because they can end up being irrelevant and because they can make the OP dismiss the rest of the input being offered, because the read on that particular aspect the situation is incorrect. Not everything is anxiety and depression, AAM commentariat. I can completely see how people who watched the sensational crime shows can imagine the world is terrifying, BUT its TV, *not* real life. You just reminded me that a lot of Mormon fundamentalist families live in the suburbs of Vegas because people dont bother polygamist families out there like they do in Utah. 5. I wasnt allowed to take late classes in school bc good girls dont stay out after dark. Certainly the OP needs to be careful with couselors. My husband has cheerfully seen me off to conferences in Vegas, Austin, Reno, San Diego, Milwaukee, and other cities. It could partly explain his reaction. (Overeating or eating rich foods, drinking, drugs, gambling, or sex?) Not all of the counties decided to legalize it, and as a result there is no legal prostitution in Las Vegas or Reno. Ifthis isjust aone-time thing, and heusually shares himself freely with you, then itmay betime for him tolook atwhy hedidnt want you there inthe first place. I do think theres a shadow of a legit work question in there, in terms of when/if its okay to refuse work-related travel. A spare hour or two could be spent at an adult themed entertainment show or casino, and that can honestly spiral. But even if its absolutely true that hes worried about this, NO WAY should OP allow her husbands irrational fear sabotage her job! I do think some commenters above have some good thoughts on why this might require individual counseling (in addition to or instead of couples counseling), but it sounds like youre pursuing both, which is great. We stay at mid-level resorts and usually pay about $40 a night. I only want to know if hes going to be out so that Im not expecting him and can therefore do something else. I think OP and her husband are from a more conservative background. I think its one of the things that makes our relationship so strong. But he is controlling. I am sitting in my car at the airport catching up on AAM before I get back to life and guess where I came from? I think you know that all of his fears could happen to you (or be things youd do) wherever you live or any place you travel to. If it's something you really want to do, then I'm sure you can make it work, but it won't be easy. Studies show that men who are outearned by their wives and cannot cover the households bills with their own income generally act out more about their successful wives. You cant expect someone with a broken leg to ski down a mountain; you cant expect someone in an irrational state of fear to behave in a reasonable manner *in the moment*. (Be prepared to be as fair-minded when it is your . Yep, this was one of my thoughts this might be a seriously overactive anxiety problem at work. Obviously we will have to stop every few hours to feed her. Entertainment loves to show affairs starting in the office, people lying about business trips when they have a whole nother family, etc. It was a realllllly boring upbringing. Sorry for the confusion. If you're able to, I would think about flying. You can make decisions for yourself! Couldnt she spend the weekend elsewhere? And myhusband answered, Ididnt want tobring her, but she insisted.Ibooked aticket and went home onthe next plane out. According to my in-laws, any apartment within walking distance of a Mexican restaurant had to be in a horrible and crime-infested part of town. Create an account or log in to participate. We live a block away from a grocery store. That doesnt mean one party jeopardizes their job and career to make ridiculous accommodations, of course. Perhaps its Vegass advertising being really effective with him, or perhaps its something larger. Hopefully hes open to counseling/therapy, but if hes not, and he instead doubles down on not letting you travel (regardless of destination), I do think you need to consider an exit strategy. Husband Doesn't Want to Come with the Family on Vacation. Thank you for sharing this. I know you know this, Anonymous Poster, but I want to add something to this statement. think twice before sharing personal details, foster a friendly and supportive environment, remove fake accounts, spam and misinformation, delete posts that violate our community guidelines, reviewed by our medical review board and team of experts. We have tracks and the OTB, there are also lots of easy-to-locate poker games that are semi-legal. Im wondering if perhaps your husband doesnt have the life experience of travelling to big cities and realizing that all of them are much different than portrayed in the media? IMO once you start catering to this kind of thing, it does not ever get better. The memo was a few years old, and it had been issues shortly before an Uber retreat If Im not mistaken it was in Miami definitely in Florida. This isnt about whether or not the thing Im about to do is dangerousit is about her desire to control what I do. Asking for baseline respect should not be a fraught conversation. I sometimes know and I often dont. Nevada decriminalized prostitution at the state level and left it to the counties. Chances are the same thing would have happened in New York or San Francisco or wherever. She should get out while she can, even if she has children. My husband and I travel a lot for work- including to Vegas! He is ambitious & caring.His insecurities have gotten the best of him in this situation. Its OK to not be 100% available to handle his feelings 100% of the time! And hiking! Especially as she is the primary breadwinner, shes got to be allowed to do her jobeven if it means travelling to Vegas. An ex of mine and I were trying to be friends; he told me about a date he went on and I gave him my opinion (that he treated this woman like crap) and he was basically all, Nuh-unh! As a side note to all of this, I watched the original CSI religiously for about 8 years, and had never been to Vegas (no easy opportunity and not really my thing). There was a recent one with the same problem! This doesnt excuse the behavior either way, but I think could be something to specifically discuss with him in addition to the other suggestions people have here. (In 1989 there was 24-hour keno in practically every restaurant.). Ultimately I did choose my career over my marriage and now Im in the the middle of a divorce because of it. And not for couples counselling, either she needs to work on strategies to deal with him. There are also lots of cool little museums as well. So thank you for the comments. You really, really have no basis for this. I think its not up to any of us to determine what OPs husbands major glitch is. Whenever we visit, we have to stay in their house, which is dirty and only has one working bathroom. We specifically took any kind of obey language out of our vows. Slot machines are boring, table games make me anxious, I dont like to lose money when I could shop with it instead. Because a healthy, loving partner does not do this. Or leave? The extent of our excitement is shopping at the outlets, maybe visiting Hershey and watching movies in our PJs. Id also check out books such as When Panic Attacks and How to Stop Worrying and Start Living Life. He could show he loves you by treating you as an equal and making you know that your feelings, thoughts, and opinions matter. Thats not out of reluctance to let either one out of their sights, but more because when they have the choice to be together, they will be together, and when its unavoidable, they make do as best they can. As someone in the convention industry, Vegas puts a LOT of effort into being a top convention destination (low cost, lots of large all-in-one spaces, lots of options for event entertainment), and pretty much every industry will have events that rotate through there. Companies hold meetings in Vegas because its a popular corporate destination, not because theyre plotting to destroy employees marriages.). Because setting some reasonable limits is part of that. Yes. Do please note, even if he does have terrible anxiety or other mental health issues, hes also behaving in a really sexist manner, and being disabled doesnt give you carte-blanche permission to be a jerk. Its like the least romantic version of the old I wore her down until she agreed to go on a date, and now weve been married for 30 years trope. I went just this month with my husband. He needs to understand that what happens in their marriage is between them (and their counselors) and not random strangers, acquaintances and friends. Take the same approach; its a problem affecting you both that you both want to fix. Last year when she went not only did I work my 2 jobs but I tiled our laundry room to stay busy and keep my mind on things. When one leaves, its done! Yes. Just recently I have found out I will be sent out again. In this case, it sounds like OP is bearing the brunt of the disagreement and shes doing the lions share of being patient and accommodating the husband hes not doing much work to accommodate her needs. My legs were killing me and I my throat was sore :(! And shell never be the breadwinner, but again, thats what she signed up for from the get-to. My mother too. Sorry if I didnt tie that up explicitly enough. There was no worry about that, my dad trusted her and knew she just needed a little break from being Mom and needed some time being Jane (not her real name) to recharge. But my wife really worded it in a way to get the Im a crazy jealous husband. Your husband going on vacation without you is normal. And he wouldnt like it either, wed be heading down to the pool and see people going to conferences and feel sorry for them that they had to spend the day inside while we sat in the sun with a mojito. Im reminded of when my flying phobia was at its worst, and I was going to take a flight on Friday the 13th. Its not particularly reasonable to expect a teenager to make scheduled check-in calls, much less an adult! .Im pretty sure my m-in-l would do that. I mean There isnta rash of kidnappings in Las Vegas, and what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas is an advertising slogan forcollege students and weddingparties, not a warning to spousesof business travelers. should I tell my coworker about our colleagues criminal record, I deeply regret joining my companys leadership program, and more, my company is cutting my overworked teams pay as punishment for mistakes. I know this is a long-shot, but anyone else think theres a real chance that this is the employee from this thread: https://www.askamanager.org/2017/03/my-employee-is-refusing-to-travel-because-her-husband-said-she-cant.html? I accidentally ended up at a naked sex drug party once, quite to my own embarrassment, but that was in Akron, Ohio. Inviting him to go might be a stop-gap measure to cover this trip. Many manage to avoid devil-worshipping sex orgy kidnapping extravaganzas for almost the entire year. After the day ended and we would go out to dinner, he would tell her that he was sure our company wouldnt approve of us going out to dinner on their dime. (Wed been given stipends and told to enjoy a cocktail after the eight-hour training). And Id add that theres a difference between (unwarranted) demands rooted in irrational fears, and those rooted in control/trust issues. It often goes along with a dose of jealousy, as most often, this is about a nice vacation Im going to take or some fun activity. Dont defend yourself and dont attack him. I call him every day to give him some reassurance that Im fine, and that helps. They might be mad that they're not invited . The base issues came out to be general worrying about me travelling by myself (tons of catastrophic what if scenarios) and FOMO (shes having such a great time without me). I understand where youre coming from, but this board sees people from all over the world, and there are still lots of places and lots of religious/cultural environments where patriarchal/masculine control/policing of womens behavior/assuming the worst of women is absolutely the norm, and there are enough of them scattered around everywhere that I dont think its a case of not everyone can have sandwiches.. So, OP, if you take nothing else away from this comment chain, hopefully you at least get some calibration to your is-it-weird-o-meter. Statistically, the most dangerous part of this trip is the car drive to the airport. You can always spend less at a Days Inn or Holiday Inn or similar 3-star facility. Married people travel for work all the time, even to cities with a greater-than-their-fair-share amount of vices around, and they typically behave responsibly and stay faithful. It sounds like he may possibly have an anxiety disorder of some type. If I had to plan something like this myself, itd be at the top of my list for a lot of very practical reasons. Food! Ive looked at the posts from the OP (Working Wife), and in the first place, she hadnt posted when I posted this. But itseems like they want totake things slowly. Youre not choosing your career over your marriage when you take three days to sit in a conference hall, for chrissake. That was plenty for me, for the social experience.). We have been arguing and I just don't know what to do. even though this event is in Las Vegas, XCorp still expects its employees to hold themselves to our high standard of professionalism, My team goes to DC every year for a conference and I always tell them something like, The conference schedule is packed and unfortunately were not going to have any time for sightseeing or tourism. I only think bad things with Vegas and wonder why its chosen for a business thing (LW never said conference, so I wonder if it was chosen for the fun too). Agree with the advice for counseling. Good luck to you in standing firm. and my husbands main reaction has been I hope you have a great time, and Im glad you are not trying to get me to go too. OPs husbands friends would have a conniption if they heard about my situation! She should set a boundary around this type of thing because it gets out of hand. If anything those are probably among the safer places in the country. But instead of abuse and control and severely anxious the LW might be part of a cultural/ethnic subgroup where her role as breadwinner (and one that is doing well) that is a woman who is making more than husband is not the norm in her community and there is all sorts of talking/gossiping/pressure in the background at play. Its not just irrational, it doesnt even make sense from the control freak point of view. Everyone he talks to agrees with him. Well, first of all, they dont. sienna plantation inventory homes; masters in international law and diplomacy; is daffodil water poisonous; We actually started in couples counseling and it was working through that process that convinced him to go to individual counseling and go on medication. Its a him issue. If hes of the mind that the husband should be the breadwinner then it sounds like insecurity about his own career. Friend: Uh-huh. Whats not real is all these horrible things Im imagining happening to her. For another, unless the husband is a lot more clever than it seems from the letter and follow ups, a good counselor would be useful to the OP, even if it is abuse. Give me a conference in Vegas any day. (Is he really afraid you will be kidnapped or is he being hyperbolic to try to convince you to stay?). Maybe Im wrong. That shows lack of trust in me, and thats no bueno. They just find more things to get worried about. The reality of the place is really NBD. There is no amount of structuring my life that would have kept me from feeling anxious. She has a job where you travel, and to him that probably sounds like shes achieving well (and she very well is) when *he is not,* comparatively. I would say most of his issues stem from his childhood trauma and some possible but undiagnosed Aspergers (he has closely observed human behavior to figure out whats expected, is a brilliant programmer, works on empathy). Well, they need to work on their relationship. Spiking drinks, assault, kidnapping happen in tiny places as well as large places. Im also someone that really tries to give the benefit of the doubt though. Choosing your career over your marriage is only possible when your husband turns a normal business situation into an ultimatum. Yeah man, sure, that uh really sucks? He doesnt get to say you cant do anything. If he balks or outright refuses, then that might be a signal that theyre in abusive territory and LW should consider solo counseling to decide how best to handle it. But because a good counselor will see that there is no point and dismiss the couple. If you bring consoling up, will he go? Right. o_o, As an Iowa alum, I can personally vouch that Ive seen more drunken debauchery in Iowa City than I have on the Vegas Strip. And to the people who says its HIS problem, not HERS Im of a view that when you say I Do, His and Hers becomes OUR, it becomes US. I think the conversation is worth having. Me doing anything outside of our normal routine puts an additional child care burden on her, and vice versa. Unlikely if its not part of her character, but certainly more possible than in Eerie, Pennsylvania. And I really dont want to camp with a bunch of guys drinking beer, poking the fire and talking about cars (or whatever it is they talk about). And then he needs to communicate that to his wife in a way that proves he understands its not his place to restrict her behaviour based on his irrational fears. Props to you for doing the hard work of managing this problem. My mom is convinced that as soon as the sun goes down, everyone is a drunk driver. A Group Leader is a What to Expect community member who has been selected by our staff to help maintain a positive, supportive tone within a group. Expect it to hurt, though, and to feel guilty over it. OP, I agree with the advice you dont have to choose between your marriage and your job if you dont want to. I think that makes all the difference hereOP doesnt just have a grinding job. For work. I also dont think cultural relativity is relevant when OP is clearly uncomfortable with his behaviour. Of course, they can be bothbut then IMHO, that boils down to controlling anyway. Im so glad I made that choice.